October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. For many congregations it will pass with a bulletin insert and a moment of prayer. I want to ask the men of our church for more than that.
In 24 years as a pastor, and now in my work with United Methodist Men, I have come to believe two things. First, men and women were created equal. Called to be partners, not competitors. Second, violence against women will not end until men decide it is our issue too.
Scripture begins with partnership. “God created humanity in God’s own image, in the divine image God created them, male and female God created them.” (Genesis 1:27 CEB). Both bear the image of God. Neither was made to rule over the other. The writer of Ecclesiastes says plainly that “two are better than one,” because if one falls, the other can lift them up. That is God’s design for us: men and women using their gifts to strengthen each other.
Our culture often teaches men something else. It tells us that strength means control, that tenderness is weakness, and that power is something to hold over another person. When men believe that, relationships suffer, and too often women pay the price. Power and influence are gifts. They can be used to build up or to manipulate, silence, and intimidate. Christ showed us which use is faithful. He used his power to serve.
When men and women work together as equals, everyone is made stronger. Women’s gifts are fully released for the church and the world. Men are freed from the exhausting burden of having to dominate. Children grow up seeing what respect looks like. This is not a loss for men. It is a better way to live.
What does this partnership look like in the life of a congregation? It is lived in ordinary, visible choices:
- Share the table. Make sure women and men serve together on every committee where decisions are made, including finance, trustees, and staff-parish relations, and that women chair them as often as men do.
- Share the towel. Let men be found in the kitchen, the nursery, and the care ministries, and women in the pulpit, the boardroom, and the building projects. No ministry belongs to one gender.
- Serve side by side. United Methodist Men and United Women in Faith can plan mission, study, and outreach together rather than in separate rooms on separate nights.
- Listen first. Before the men of the church decide what women need, ask them, and then act on what you hear.
- Honor women’s leadership. Support and speak well of the clergywomen and laywomen who lead you. Their call comes from the same Spirit as yours.
- Teach the next generation. Let boys and girls see men and women leading, serving, and disagreeing with respect. They will learn partnership by watching it.
- Preach and teach it. Name mutual respect and healthy relationships from the pulpit, in Sunday school, and in men’s gatherings, so that it is understood as discipleship and not as an optional topic.
- Mentor across generations. Let older men model respect for the younger men and boys of the church, in how they speak about women and how they treat them.
- Share the credit. Notice whose work goes unnamed in your congregation and thank them publicly.
- Pray together. Bring men and women into shared prayer for the families and homes of the congregation.
- Respect women’s personal space: A church greeting is not permission to comment on a woman’s appearance, put an arm around her, touch her, or hug her. Ask first and respect her answer.
- Partner with local experts. Build a relationship with a nearby shelter or YWCA, so the church knows where to turn before a crisis comes.
That partnership also demands that we take a stand. Domestic abuse has no place in a Christian home or a Christian church. Yet it is present in our pews. Men who harm their families at home can present a very different face on Sunday morning. If we pretend otherwise, we leave those who are suffering to suffer alone.
Physical violence is only the tip of the iceberg. Beneath it are the jokes, the language, and the attitudes that treat women as less. Every time we laugh along or stay quiet, we help hold that culture in place. Every time we speak up, we weaken it.
So here is what I am asking of men of faith:
- Speak up. When you hear a woman demeaned, objectified, or dismissed, say something. Silence sounds like agreement.
- Believe and support. When someone tells you they are being hurt, listen, believe them, and help them reach trained help.
- Hold each other accountable. Walk alongside men who are struggling and lead them away from the path to violence without excusing the harm.
- Prepare your church. Ask whether your congregation has a plan, shaped with domestic violence experts, for responding when abuse comes to light.
This is why United Methodist Men partnered with AMEND Together, a program of YWCA Nashville & Middle Tennessee, to create AMENDing Through Faith, an eight-session series that helps men recognize, respond to, and prevent violence against women. It began because the shelter was always full. The goal was to stop violence before another bed was needed.
Every woman and girl has the right to be valued, respected, and safe. Standing up for that right is not charity. It is discipleship. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Men and women, bound together equally together with God, can change this.
Let us love boldly, serve joyfully, and lead courageously, starting at home.
About the General Commission for United Methodist Men
The General Commission on United Methodist Men is a program ministry of The United Methodist Church, serving men’s ministry and scouting ministries around the world. Learn more.